News Mash Ups

October 6, 2007

Senator Craig Admits Steroid Use

Filed under: humor, news — thoughtsarethings @ 11:09 pm


Washington~    While holding back tears at a press conference Saturday, embattled Idaho Senator Larry Craig announced that he had indeed used performance enhancing steroids while cruising for men in public restrooms.  After years of denying use and saying that his sexual pursuits were natural, Sen. Craig admitted that doping played a significant part in his overall results.  “I apologize to all of my fans and can only hope that my legenday records will not become tainted,” Craig stated.  “No one knows the incredible stresses one must endure to stay ahead in the competitive field of restroom solicitation, but it is no excuse.”

Craig had won many titles in his years in the sport, including “World’s Fastest Man in a Urinal”, yet years of stroking under doors and keeping creative toe taps took their toll on Craig’s body.  In 2003, Craig was featured in a film, “Hard Bodies, Hard Porcelain”and had even won a lifetime achievement award from “Pimp ‘n Ho” magazine.  His reputation is displayed proudly in stall #4 of the Minneapolis Airport, but Craig now worries if his dash marks left under the toilet paper roll will have an asterisk put next to it. 

In years past, Sen. Craig repeatedly deflected questions about his ever increasing bulges, but said with finger quotation marks that they were a result of working out.  Yet fellow Senators and the public were not convinced.  So in April 2006 before a grand jury, he backpedaled from his original statement and said that he put some cream on, but never knew that it was performance enhancing.  “I was never told the specific origins of the cream,” Craig said.  “He simply told me ‘It rubs the cream on its skin, or it gets the hose again.’  I never questioned him.” 

 Craig now faces felony charges of lying to federal agents, and could face up to 10 years in jail.  Amazingly, Craig seemed more interested in his statistics than actual jail time.  “Well it will be better than that rest stop in Toledo.” 


1 Comment »

  1. Hilarious… this is a fresh spin on all the Larry Craig hype even the late-night talk shows didn’t think of. Keep writing fake news… I’m a subscriber.

    Comment by bancheese — October 14, 2007 @ 5:20 pm

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