News Mash Ups

October 18, 2007

Dalai Lama Issues Threat

Filed under: humor, news, politics — thoughtsarethings @ 4:44 am

Dalai Lama ready to open a can of whoop ass

Washington~  While visiting President Bush this week, the Dalai Lama leveled harsh criticism and strong threats towards the Chinese government when speaking to reporters.   Previously the Tibetan Buddhist was known for his peaceful resolve and spiritual leadership, but more recently has become a strong advocate for Tibetan rights and free speech.  “China better back that ass up,” stated the Dalai Lama Wednesday.  “We will come down on them like a pile of sh–  bricks.  Dem Chinese better check themselves befo’ they wreck themselves.”

The comments were in recent response to a letter sent by the Chinese government that expressed disappointment over the meeting between the President and his holiness.  The Chinese government also alluded to the fact that the meeting may cause a strain in relations between the U.S. and China , but as of yet no official has discussed what those problems may entail.  The normally soft spoken Dalai Lama had another response for the letter,  “Nuke them sons of bitches!” 

President Bush immediately issued a response to the Chinese government.  Unfortunately, the letter on his desk sent to the Chinese was confused with the “torture letter” that was supposed to have been kept secret.   The First Filing Clerk was dismissed and there has been no immediate response.  Publicy the President has backed talks between the Tibetan and Chinese governments, but has also been seen winking an eye at the reporters. 

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October 13, 2007

Gore to Throw First Bio-Degradable Baseball

Filed under: humor, news — Tags: , — thoughtsarethings @ 3:43 am

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Boston~  Major League Baseball announced today that they are planning on diplaying their first “green ball”, which will be introduced just in time for the start of the World Series.  MLB and its affiliates have been working closely with 2000 Presidential candidate and environmentalist Al Gore, who is also well know for his award-winning documentary “An Inconvenient Truth.”  MLB has stated that Gore will throw out the first baseball in Game 1 of the series.   Gore has been at the forefront of the “green movement” and has been quoted as saying, “Today, today, today, I, I I, am the luckiest man in the world, world, world.”  He has been slated to throw out the ceremonial first pitch in the World Series and said that he plans on throwing a slider.

The new baseball is sure to stir controversy.  Some are already questioning the timing of the introduction and wonder if the World Series is the correct venue to start a new product.  “This new baseball has been in the works for the last two years,” states Bud Selig, Commissioner of MLB.  “We are proud of the steps that all of the owners have taken in making sure that this new baseball becomes a reality.”  While some embrace the idea of helping the environment, most believe that the ex-Vice President’s recent Nobel Prize has prompted the League to follow on the coattails of his recent successes.  “The new baseball is set to establish environmental standards for all major sports in the U.S.,” asserts MLB PR Director Deedee McClurge.  “We have come up and stated we may allow drugs, but we will never contribute to the global warming trend.” 

Indeed many professional organizations are trending towards setting environmental standards in their respectives sports.  The National Football League is set to release a football that actually bio-degrades within 4 quarters and mulches the field it lays on.  NASCAR is introducing the “Another Car of the Future” which will showcase the Toyota Prius and Honda Civic Hybrid models rubbing paint down at the Indianapolis Motor Speedway, and the NHL will display hockey pucks made of dirt.  The WNBA and Major League Soccer both introduced new environmental products three years ago, but no one noticed. 

The new baseball is to feature many characteristics different from the traditional twine and leather model used since the beginning of the sport.  The stitching will be replaced by hemp cultivated from someone’s backyard in Berkeley, California.  The leather will be replaced with 100% recycled, bleached newspaper and the core of the baseball, traditionally featuring a rubber ball and twine, will now be filled with baby diapers and plastic bags.  Although some have expressed support in favor of the new baseball, many have criticized the construction and materials of which it is made.  “The damn thing explodes right off of the bat into a million pieces,” says Colorado Rockies first baseman Todd Helton.  “Are they [expletive] serious?” 

Major League Baseball’s jump into the environmental forum has encountered even more glitches as officials and umpires questioned the availability of the new ball.  Since production of the baseball was moved to a solar-powered facility in Seattle, only about 30 baseballs have been produced due to consistent thunderstorms and clouds in the area for the past 3 months.  “On average, 30 baseballs will last about 5 innings,” states MLB Umpire Bruce Froemming.  “Are they [expletive] serious?”

Still, environmentalists consider this a victory for their cause and hope that this will pave the way for future green upgrades.  “We hope to implement bats made of sustainable cork, gloves made from palm fronds, and get rid of those foam #1 fingers that have been found in the gullets of endangered seagulls,” says Wendy Neverget, President and Founder of People for Green Things.  “We also hope to make the field out of aluminum foil, to reflect the sun’s energy back where it came from.”  Officials have yet to endorse any of these ideas. 

October 11, 2007

High Foreclosure Rates Hit Iraq

Filed under: humor, news — thoughtsarethings @ 6:14 pm

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Hakpud and Andar stand on their foreclosed home.

Baghdad~  In recent months, attention has focused on the mortgage crisis here in the United States.  Yet the credit crunch seems to have flown overseas in what is being called, ” a crushing blow to Iraqi real estate.”  Recently, three major mortgage carriers have described Iraq as a situation that will get worse before it gets any better.  Fannie Mae, Freddie Mac, and Countrywide all state that Iraqi homeowners are defaulting at a record rate.  “Our statistics suggest that Iraq is a ticking time-bomb waiting to explode,” says Frank DiNardo, Chief Statistician for Countrywide.  “We have entire neighborhoods that are feeling the squeeze and you can see that right here on my computer screen.”

Since the Oil Bubble burst with the hostile U.S. takeover, sales of existing homes have been on a consistent slide.  In August of 2006, there were 30,000 homes sales in Baghdad compared to approximately 47,000 in 2005.  Due to  the lack of home sales, home prices this year have depreciated at an average of 36%.  Lower home prices mean that homeowners are less likely to get approved for refinancing loans that help pay off bills or fix and remodel homes.  Kaput Sidk of Kirkut needed money from an equity line of credit to help repair the east side of his home damage by a passing tank envoy.  “We had some lovely plans for the foyer,” says Kaput, “but we cannot add that or a breakfast nook without some sort of credit.”  Unfortunately for him, his bank will not lend money in his part of town because of the housing slump and increased military presence. 

One agency, the Baghdad Association of Realtors, gave a brighter picture to the housing crunch.  “Our realtors still give Baghdad a ‘buy’ status”, says Akmar Odiju, Chairman on the Board of Realtors.  “We’ve seen a decrease in housing availability, which in turn helps create a more positive outlook on the future home prices.  We say why wait on the sidelines, when the home of your dreams could be gone tomorrow.”  While it is true that houses are being destroyed faster than they are being built, not everyone is optimistic about the future of Baghdad real estate.  “We can’t honestly say who is next”, states Maj. Tom Schilling of the U.S. Army.  “The ‘green zone’ could be the next Seattle in terms of appreciation, but then Seattle doesn’t have a chance of getting the shit bombed out of it.”

Politicians, banking regulators, and consumer advocates have urged lenders to avert foreclosures through loan modifications, but so far these recommendations have fallen on deaf ears.  “What are you asking?” screamed Patuk Inkdar, president of the Countrywide Branch in Karbala, whose ear drums were damaged from a nearby car bomb.

Hakput and Andar Partuki are two kids who understand the reality of the housing crunch.  Their house was foreclosed upon in September and they are now having to live in their aunts small apartment on the outskirts of town.   They began to default on their loan after their parents were killed by a stray missile a few miles from town.  “We tried what we could” says Hakput.  “Andar got a job at Starbucks, and I got a paper route, but the Starbucks was blown up and my bike kept getting flat tires from the shrapnel.”  Hakput and Andar tried contacting their bank to work on an arrangement to defer some of their payments, but the phone lines had been severed.  No sooner than 90 days had passed, when Ditech Funding, Inc. sent out a Patriot missile to foreclose on the property.  “We heard a whizzing sound and knew we should grab what we could.”

Later it was learned that Ditech Funding, Inc., sent a letter to the boys stating that in fact the missile was meant for their neighbors, who had also been delinquent.  Ditech stated that sometimes these things happen due to a filing error or simply a bad crosswind.  They did back up their apology with a “correct foreclosure missile” that hit the neighbors the following day. 

 Unfortunately, for many residents there seems to be a lack of resources to help homeowners through these tough times.  Previous assistance included the Iraq Housing and Urban Development and the Baghdad Homeownership Preservation Foundation.  However, HUD was hit by a SCUD, and the BHPF has now been turned into “George W Bush Torture Prison for the Clinically Aware.”    The only available resource left seems to be the Homeowners for Ethical Lending Practices and Mortgage Entities.  HELPME can be contacted at +62 786 678 05. 

Note: Since this posting, HELPME is no longer a viable resource. 

October 6, 2007

Senator Craig Admits Steroid Use

Filed under: humor, news — thoughtsarethings @ 11:09 pm

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Washington~    While holding back tears at a press conference Saturday, embattled Idaho Senator Larry Craig announced that he had indeed used performance enhancing steroids while cruising for men in public restrooms.  After years of denying use and saying that his sexual pursuits were natural, Sen. Craig admitted that doping played a significant part in his overall results.  “I apologize to all of my fans and can only hope that my legenday records will not become tainted,” Craig stated.  “No one knows the incredible stresses one must endure to stay ahead in the competitive field of restroom solicitation, but it is no excuse.”

Craig had won many titles in his years in the sport, including “World’s Fastest Man in a Urinal”, yet years of stroking under doors and keeping creative toe taps took their toll on Craig’s body.  In 2003, Craig was featured in a film, “Hard Bodies, Hard Porcelain”and had even won a lifetime achievement award from “Pimp ‘n Ho” magazine.  His reputation is displayed proudly in stall #4 of the Minneapolis Airport, but Craig now worries if his dash marks left under the toilet paper roll will have an asterisk put next to it. 

In years past, Sen. Craig repeatedly deflected questions about his ever increasing bulges, but said with finger quotation marks that they were a result of working out.  Yet fellow Senators and the public were not convinced.  So in April 2006 before a grand jury, he backpedaled from his original statement and said that he put some cream on, but never knew that it was performance enhancing.  “I was never told the specific origins of the cream,” Craig said.  “He simply told me ‘It rubs the cream on its skin, or it gets the hose again.’  I never questioned him.” 

 Craig now faces felony charges of lying to federal agents, and could face up to 10 years in jail.  Amazingly, Craig seemed more interested in his statistics than actual jail time.  “Well it will be better than that rest stop in Toledo.” 

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